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26 Things to do in an Elevator!!

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a floor button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and
then announce, "I have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

DICKHEAD TEST


How to keep a healthy level of insanity!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual
favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!"..."3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your! children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Handy Hints!

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*****ds.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in
your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by
simply changing your name to match your existing plate, Mr. KVL 741Y

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. B.Johnson Canada

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2.I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3.How about never? Is never good for you?

4.I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5.I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6.I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7.I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8.I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9.It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10.Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11.I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12.You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13.I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14.I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15.I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16.Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17.The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18.Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19.What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

20.I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21.It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22.Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23.And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

24.Do I look like a people person?

25.This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26.I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27.Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28.If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29.Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30.Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31.I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32.A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33.Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34.Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35.Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36.Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37.How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38.I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.